Starbucks: Where Wildlife Mingles

Its true. Starbucks really is one of the last remaining wildlife refuges on the planet.

Just stop by any morning, mid-morning, late-morning, afternoon, mid-afternoon...(you get the idea) and watch the timeless display of species interaction.

Typically, as most wild animals tend to do~they congregate around a central, important and life-sustaining feature of their landscape.

At Starbucks it’s the condiments counter. The modern day "watering hole" for every species that visits.

At the watering hole, you'll see the intricate and complex give and take as nature displays its awesome tendency towards natural selection.

Or as I like to call it, "Only The Caffeinated Survive".

Lesser-caffeinated males can be seen staying near the back of the pack, waiting for the moment they can meekly reach over for the thermos of Low-Fat milk.

Quickly, ever on the alert for larger game, they top off their tall, skim extra shot vanilla latte.

Sadly, this smaller-than-average specimen will not last the next round of budget cuts or will sustain a career-ending paper cut while filing. Nature is cruel, but fair in its meting out of wildlife-justice.

Next, the real lords of the plain.

The Alpha Males.

They triumph proudly and without fear right in front of the milk counter, almost daring another male to confrontation.

They drink triple-shot vente espressos.

They don’t need milk.

Or sugar.

They metabolize the espresso directly in to primal aggression.

They ravage icing-rich cinnamon rolls, but show no discernable weight-gain.

Often, in a sign of species dominance they can be seen eyeing the lesser-males behind them in to forced submission. The non-caffeinated males will slink back, gaze averted and not approach the counter until the Alpha male departs back to the office.

The females stay in protective groups, clustered around the yellow and blue artificial sweetener packets for camouflage.

In courtship display they will casually wave a stir stick in mid-air to draw attention often while reaching across the alpha male for the non-fat milk thermos which of course, is sadly out of reach for the lesser male, as are any of the females.

Occasionally, a lesser male will try to force its way to the front of the counter. It’s the natural-selection equivalent of salmon stream-jumping.

Though many fish will be pushed back by the force of the water, over time their generations will develop the fast twitch musculature to make the jump upstream to the calm breeding pools.

At Starbucks, you’ll see a lesser male push his way past an Alpha male, to the surprise of himself and the females. Sadly, once at the front of the counter the lesser males suddenly realize they lack the requisite lean body mass to sustain a fully caffeinated drink.

Lacking the energy they need, they typically stand mute and helpless for an awkward moment before grabbing something unneeded and inappropriate, like one of those two foot, extra long straws before they retreat.

And as night falls and cooling, mid-morning Frappucino orders evolve in to later afternoon double lattes, the cycle of nature continues and fulfills its evolutionary mandate~in tall, grande and vente.