Let’s get one thing straight. Just because coffee is available to everyone, doesn’t mean everyone should be drinking it.
Couple of ground rules.
Parents
They get a free pass. In fact, parents should get a lifetime-unlimited Starbucks card when they pick up their newborn.
Teachers
Since they make less than a Starbucks employee, they should never have to buy coffee again.
Okay, here we go.
The Haves
Lawyers. I want them doing my 40 minutes of work in 20 and billing me for 10. Not thrice versa.
Citibank Employees
If I have to stand in line once more for an hour while two cashiers spend twenty minutes talking about their cell phone bills then next time I go in I’m taking a hostage.
Cab Drivers
Tough call. I had to give it to ‘em though. You taken a taxi in NYC lately? The fare is like, $25 bucks a second or something. So yeah, the light turns green? You want these guys Nascar’ing over semi-trucks if possible to keep your five-block trip under a grand.
Ambulance Drivers
If I end up in the meat wagon I don’t want my driver “Braking For Small Animals”. I want him mowing down entire blocks of pedestrians to get me TO THE FCUKING EMERGENCY ROOM NOW.
The Have Not’s
My kids’ school bus driver. Think about it. Do you want the vehicular guardian of your little ones slugging back a triple shot vente, yelling “Buckle up kids~WE’RE GOING OFFROAD!”.
Cops
This is such a no-brainer. I for one, do not want a juiced, itchy trigger-finger, former Special Forces no-neck, screaming “INCOMING” and drawing down on me with a .38 when I reach past him at Dunkin Donuts for a packet of Splenda.
Subway Operators
C’mon~do you really want these guys hitting the corner at 60mph+ and whispering under their breath “I believe I can fly. I believe I can fly….”.
Korean Manicurists
These women already work by volume. If you’re not careful they can file a grown man down to his knuckles in under ten minutes. I say, chill out and if there’s sparks flying off their emery board it’s a sign they’re “juiced” in which case pick a god and pray cuz you’re gonna need a hook where your fire-engine red nails used to be.
Just a start. This list will be updated as soon as I finish my triple-shot vente extra hot cappuccino.
