HARTFORD, Conn. - A 200-pound domesticated chimpanzee who once starred in TV commercials for Old Navy and Coca-Cola was shot dead by police after a violent rampage that left a friend of its owner badly mauled…Okay, that’s weird. And sad. Unfortunately we’re in a depression, so though I love monkey’s as much as the next guy, I’m laughing my ass off.
Funny thing is, I live like, 20 mins from Stamford. My wife and I were sweating out the economy last night when this story comes on the news. We were like WTF?
And you gotta admit, WTF?
And yes, before any of you closet Darwinists go ape on me, I know chimps and monkey’s aren’t the same thing, genetically. I salute your dedication to species differentiation with my opposable thumb.
Now, first things first—since when do chimps top the scale at 200 freaking pounds?
Hello, we’ve all seen those cute little chimps scampering around
Clearly, this is a chimp with a chronically lowered sense of self esteem who’d turned to junk foods in an attempt to heal a wounded self image.
Which may explain the anxiety. And I quote “Conklin told reporters the chimp was acting so agitated that Herold gave him the anti-anxiety drug Xanax in some tea”.
Great. Overweight, image conscious chimp with a drug addiction. Which more than explains the drinking. And again, I quote “The chimpanzee…drank wine…logged onto the computer to look at pictures, and watched television using the remote control, police said”.
Just so I have the big pieces of the puzzle in hand here—obese, drug-addicted, alcoholic, TV watching slacker. Okay, so basically the chimp is me. They didn’t mention the online porn addiction, but then again, they didn’t have to.
I mean, you can’t make this stuff up.
Poor bastard never had a chance. He’s just doing what any of us would in tough times like these. He’s acting out. Can you blame him?
Dudes like 15 yrs old. Now I have no idea if chimp years are like dog years, but c’mon—nothing that weighs 200 lbs should be in a diaper. Especially if it can drink. And log online and read about the economy. Cuz we’ve all been there.
Starts with an after work cocktail, just to take things down a notch. You loosen up, have dinner, have more drinks. Tub with the kid, bedtime story, it’s 9:00pm when you leave the room and what’s left of your night is whatever you can jam in between now and 11:30pm.
Fill the glass, now you’re on drink number four. And feeling kinda groovy. But, what if after drink number four you looked around to notice you lived with a tribe of chimps? All of them yammering and poking at you to download another Tarzan clip from Youtube.
That’s our boy. Bottle of Merlot, some online poker, then suddenly it hits him—“I’m wearing a fcuking diaper? And what the hell is Youtube? And what’s with the humans?”.
So in the long run, I guess there’s more that separates me from chimps other than my awesome opposable thumb.
I can handle my Xanax. And my booze. And I have at least another fifteen years before I’m wearing diapers.
So until I’m sitting here typing away in a Depends, using a voice synthesizer to activate my keyboard…
…its Happy Hour.
