…or is it just the planet? I live in New York City. It was 68 degrees here four days ago. I walked around in a t-shirt passing guys carrying their golf clubs to the car, giggling like five year olds at a birthday party.
68 degrees. In NYC. In January. But I’m sure it has nothing to do with Global Warming (BROUGHT TO YOU BY EXXON MOBIL). I mean, we’re just dealing with normal, climatological change. Happens all the time. Oh, it hasn’t happened on this particular planet to this degree for roughly 650,000 years (an ice age period), but other than that it happens all the time.
So let’s just relax here people. Turn on your lights and appliances, hell—leave ‘em on all night! Pump some unleaded in to the SUV and take a nice long, meandering drive up to say, oh Maine. Which at this rate of warming will have enough eroded natural forest to qualify as beachfront property.
And while we’re at it, I think its high time we just took a minute and looked at the whack jobs trying to frighten us out of our God-Given Right (PAID FOR BY THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION) to live our American dream.
Our resources our renewable people!. That’s right, the 50% of naturally occurring, virgin forests that are left in the U.S. after decades of unregulated logging, mining and industrialization? That’s right, these will grow back. Someday. Maybe. Okay, the rate of deforestization is too rapid to ensure the replenishment of naturally occurring forests. But you get my point.
C’mon, what about all the paper products manufactured from trees that make our lives so comfy? I say, Squeeze The Charmin! (BROUGHT TO YOU BY KIMBERLY CLARK THE CORPORATE GIANT THAT REFUSES TO IMPLEMENT A POST-CONTENT PAPER RECYCLING PROGRAM).
I know, I know—some of you are saying “but don’t the world’s ancient forests maintain environmental systems essential for life on Earth by controlling rainfall and evaporation of water from soil? And help stabilize the world's climate by storing large amounts of carbon that would otherwise contribute to climate change?. And don’t these forests house around two-thirds of the world's land-based species of plants and animals?.
Well, I think we have to keep our eye on the big picture. I mean, have you ever used post-consumer content toilet paper? Its not even white like “normal” toilet paper. Its…brown. And its scratchy. That’s right people, its paper that’s uncomfortable on my ass.
And besides, why should good people like the CEO of Exxon Mobile have to suffer for his livelihood? I mean the poor guy’s barely scraping along on his 2006 bonus of 2.8 million dollars to supplement his annual salary of $18.5 million (including a 17% salary hike). Poor guy. And this, just as Exxon Mobil reported the second-highest ever corporate profit of $10.5 billion — behind its own 2005 fourth-quarter record. Think of the pressure they were under to match quarterly profits!
C’mon. You wanna mess with Exxon Mobile? Wanna shout “Hey, what about researching other means of dependable and renewable energy sources?”. Well, any consideration of a fuel source other than fossil would mean a profit loss. And remember all the pressure they're under? So lighten up.
Besides, if the government told Exxon it was turning to the already researched and validated means of renewable, non-fossil fuel burning energy sources, why that’d be like telling Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss that Charley Sheen was going in to rehab for sex-addition. Bad for business.
I mean, you don’t think that Exxon CEO guy wakes up every morning to see gas prices over $3.00 a gallon and thinks to himself—“Wow, our country’s reliance on fossil fuels has continued to generate emissions that have eroded million year old glacial melts like the Hindu Kush and Himalayan, reliable water sources for China, India and much of Asia and increased melting over several decades would mean some areas of the most populated region on Earth are likely to 'run out of water'".
You’ve gotta feel for the guy! Can’t you just see him now, sitting in his fuel-sucking Jet humming Michael Jackson's “Man In The Mirror”, “…I’m looking at the, man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways”. I can. If I squint. In the dark.
Now before you get all self-righteous and yell “Hey, it’s a world problem—not a U.S. problem!”. We should chat. Apparently, one day in class there was a whole big lecture on how our over-industrialization was destroying the planet, but somehow, the U.S. missed that class.
Where were we? Oh, who knows where the U.S. ever is when it comes to silly buzzwords like “Accountability” and “Ethics”. Probably just bad timing, Maybe the class on Global Warming was the same day Dominos Pizza introduced those damn brownie squares with chocolate dipping sauce.
Or those Cheesy Breadsticks. OMG. I’d like to construct like a suit made from those cheesy breadsticks then have my friends snap off sections of my carbohydrate-body and feed it to me. So yeah, we missed that class.
As it turns out, most of the world is on board with this whole “Act now, save the planet from unnatural catastrophe thing”. Wacky humans! There’s currently a few dozen countries on board and supportive of the Kyoto accord.
There’s countries already setting new standards to limit harmful emissions. The U.S. is not one of them. For example, call me high on cheesy breadsticks, but last I checked the U.S. couldn’t sell their cars in China. And not because U.S. design is forever linked to that creative-abomination known as the “Gremlin”. No, U.S. cars do not meets China’s Safety Emission Standards Act.
China. Same country that used tanks to pave Tianamen Square with the bodies of student protestors. Same country that has more international human rights violations than Dolly Parton has silicone injections. Same country that has systematically destroyed Tibet’s spiritual infrastructure. That China.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot about Chinese culture I respect. Love the food. And their uncanny ability to actually have a delivery man at your door with steaming boxes of Lo Mein before you’ve actually finished placing the order on the phone. “…yeah, and an order of Moo Shoo pork, and one hot and sour, oh excuse me someone’s at the door…”.
And c’mon General Tzao’s chicken!? Apparently, the man was not only a feared war-faring General, but somehow found the time to whip up a mean spicy chicken dish. Can you imagine that guy leading you in to battle? "Our horses will trample them like grass. Our angry swords will separate them from their loved ones. But first, can I just get a show of hands who's having the crispy prawn appetizer with the ginger-wasabi dipping sauce? I want to get started on those before we ride off...".
Anyway, the point is the U.S. is way behind the rest of the world in taking immediate, effective steps to curtail the destructive effects of greenhouse and other industrialized emissions.
And by the “rest of the world” I mean those real, cultural outposts like oh, California. Which has already passed new safety emissions acts and which is now being attacked by Congress to avoid the thoughtless, irrevocable harm its caused by trying to save the planet in favor of U.S. auto-makers cranking out another few dozen million atmosphere-destroying vehicles.
And while we’re at it, may be we should stop blaming the institutions we hold so dear that manage the concerns of our great country to ensure that all people live in a land of opportunity, with “liberty and justice for all”. The corporations. Uh I mean, the government. Yeah, the government which thankfully has the full support of really great, like-minded businesses behind them to make sure we the people, for the people have a form of checks and balances to support us.
I mean, in 2003 along with General Electric, Comcast, Citigroup and many other Fortune 500 companies hired Bush administration officials and former GOP congressional advisers for top lobbying posts. So relax people, we’re in good hands.
So all I’m saying is its hot. Come to your own conclusions. Its your life (well, actually its “our lives” but unfortunately we’re all using the same resources) so live it how you want. And if you don’t want to, you don’t have to do a damn thing. That's what we call "Freedom".
I mean, if you don’t care about the adverse weather conditions, increase in infectious diseases, thaw of the million year old ice deposits and average annual temperature increase you can always move to New York City and just play golf this winter.
The weather’s great.
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